22-year-old Cara Delevingne is at the top of her game, as she makes her bold move away from modelling and into the acting world.
Cara will soon be starring alongside Nat Wolff in the movie adaptation of John Green‘s Paper Towns, hitting theatres on July 24th, and has just wrapped up filming next year’s Suicide Squad.
In the new July 2015 issue of Vogue Magazine, Cara opens up on her experience in the modelling world, along with her her experience with drugs, depression and her girlfriend Annie Clark.
On Getting In Shape for Suicide Squad:
“After turning 20 and eating McDonald’s all the time and drinking too much, it started to show on my stomach and on my face. But I’m playing a homicidal witch, so I need to look ripped.”
When asked if her body is her temple, Cara says, “I always chuckle at that saying. I say my body is a roller coaster. Enjoy the ride.”
“But can you believe that? That I have to exercise restraint after I’ve succeeded in a business where for years I had no restraint, where the whole point was excess?”
On Leaving Modelling Behind:
“I’m not sure I understand what fashion is anymore,” she says. “I admit I was terrified to leave. I mean, the bubble gives you a kind of dysfunctional family. When you’re in it, you get it. And the second you’re out of it, you’re like, What the hell just happened?”
On Her Childhood:
“I grew up in the upper class, for sure. My family was kind of about that whole parties–and–horse racing thing. I can understand it’s fun for some. I never enjoyed it.”
On her Mother’s Heroin Addiction:
“It shapes the childhood of every kid whose parent has an addiction. You grow up too quickly because you’re parenting your parents. My mother’s an amazingly strong person with a huge heart, and I adore her. But it’s not something you get better from, I don’t think. I know there are people who have stopped and are fine now, but not in my circumstance. She’s still struggling.”
On Experiencing Depression at Fifteen:
“This is something I haven’t been open about, but it’s a huge part of who I am. All of a sudden I was hit with a massive wave of depression and anxiety and self-hatred, where the feelings were so painful that I would slam my head against a tree to try to knock myself out. I never cut, but I’d scratch myself to the point of bleeding. I just wanted to dematerialize and have someone sweep me away.”
“I smoked a lot of pot as a teenager, but I was completely mental with or without drugs. “I thought that if I wanted to act, I’d need to finish school, but I got so I couldn’t wake up in the morning. The worst thing was that I knew I was a lucky girl, and the fact that you would rather be dead . . . you just feel so guilty for those feelings, and it’s this vicious circle. Like, how dare I feel that way? So you just attack yourself some more.”
“It’s like, if anything is good for too long, I prefer to ruin it.”
On Coming Close to Attempting Suicide:
“I was packing my bags, and suddenly I just wanted to end it. I had a way, and it was right there in front of me. And I was like, I need to decide whether I love myself as much as I love the idea of death.” And then a song started playing on her laptop, Outkast’s “SpottieOttieDopaliscious,” which had been played at the funeral of a friend who had recently died of a heroin overdose. “It felt like a warning from him. And it made me so furious with myself.”
On Her Partying and Drug Use:
“I had to be doing things with people at all times. The life of the party is an easy part for me to play. It rots your insides, though.”
“Honestly, I don’t think I did anything different from other people my age,” she says. “But I definitely have that addict gene. For me it comes out in an addiction to work. I’d probably have done more drugs back then if I hadn’t been working like mad.”
On Her Girlfriend:
“I’m a bro-ey chick,” says Cara.
“I think that being in love with my girlfriend is a big part of why I’m feeling so happy with who I am these days. And for those words to come out of my mouth is actually a miracle.”
On her Sexuality:
“It took me a long time to accept the idea, until I first fell in love with a girl at 20 and recognized that I had to accept it,” she explains. “But I have erotic dreams only about men. I had one two nights ago where I went up to a guy in the back of a VW minivan, with a bunch of his friends around him, and pretty much jumped him.” Her parents seem to think girls are just a phase for Cara, and they may be correct. “Women are what completely inspire me, and they have also been my downfall. I have only been hurt by women, my mother first of all.”
“The thing is,” she continues, “if I ever found a guy I could fall in love with, I’d want to marry him and have his children. And that scares me to death because I think I’m a whole bunch of crazy, and I always worry that a guy will walk away once he really, truly knows me.”
Be sure to pick up the July 2015 issue of Vogue for Cara’s full feature!