“What happens? Do I lose my record deal? Do I lose everything?” Halsey says of her thoughts when she found out she was pregnant. “Or do I keep [the pregnancy]? What are the fans going to think? What are the moms going to think? What is the Midwest going to think? What’s fucking everyone going to think?”
However, before she could decide what to do, Halsey found herself bleeding while suffering a miscarriage right before she was set to go onstage.
“I’m like, ‘I have to cancel this show!’ And everyone’s kind of like, ‘Well, it’s Vevo LIFT, and it’s 3 million impressions, so …’ No one knew what to do.”
Halsey ultimately ended up taking two Percocets and putting on an adult diaper so that she could fulfill her performing duties.
“It’s the angriest performance that I’ve ever done in my life,” she says. “That was the moment of my life where I thought to myself, ‘I don’t feel like a fucking human being anymore.’ This thing, this music, Halsey, whatever it is that I’m doing, took precedence and priority over every decision that I made regarding this entire situation from the moment I found out until the moment it went wrong. I walked offstage and went into the parking lot and just started throwing up.”
“I beat myself up for it,” she says of her miscarriage. “because I think that the reason it happened is just the lifestyle I was living. I wasn’t drinking. I wasn’t doing drugs. I was fucking overworked – in the hospital every couple of weeks because I was dehydrated, needing bags of IVs brought to my greenroom. I was anemic, I was fainting. My body just broke the fuck down.”
Halsey also reveals that she’s still bothered by the fact that nobody made her play that concert. “I had a choice,” she says. “I want to be a mom more than I want to be a pop star. More than I want to be anything in the world.”
You can read more from Halsey’s personal interview on Rolling Stone