During her interview, Billie opened up about her depression, which started with a dance injury when she was 13.
After joining a competitive dance company at age 12, Billie said she was surrounded by a lot of “really pretty girls” who were all in friends and attended the same school together.
“That was probably when I was the most insecure,” Billie said. “I wasn’t as confident. I couldn’t speak and just be normal. When I think about it or see pictures of me then, I was so not OK with who I was.”
“At dance, you wear really tiny clothes,” she said. “And I’ve never felt comfortable in really tiny clothes. I was always worried about my appearance. That was the peak of my body dysmorphia. I couldn’t look in the mirror at all.”
Then, Billie ruptured the growth plate in her hip, forcing her to quit dance altogether.
“I think that’s when the depression started,” she said. “It sent me down a hole. I went through a whole self-harming phase — we don’t have to go into it. But the gist of it was, I felt like I deserved to be in pain.”
“It’s funny,” Billie said. “When anyone else thinks about Billie Eilish at 14, they think of all the good things that happened. But all I can think of is how miserable I was. How completely distraught and confused. Thirteen to 16 was pretty rough.”
“I haven’t been depressed in a minute, which is great,” she said. “Seventeen has probably been the best year of my life. I’ve liked 17.”
Billie also revealed that it’s hard to see other girls go through the same thing: “Sometimes I see girls at my shows with scars on their arms, and it breaks my heart,” she said.
“I don’t have scars anymore because it was so long ago. But I’ve said to a couple of them, ‘Just be nice to yourself.’ Because I know. I was there.”
Billie also opened up about suffering from anxiety, especially in the weeks leading up to her latest tour.
“I’m fine now,” she said. “But that was one of the hardest weeks I’ve ever had. I’ve never felt more hopeless in my life.”
“That week, I had a panic attack every single night. I cried for two hours every night. It was really, really bad.”
“I just couldn’t take the fact that I had to leave again. It felt like an endless limbo. Like there was no end in sight. And, I mean, it’s true: There really is no end in sight with touring. Thinking about that literally made me throw up,” she said. “I’m not a throw-upper, but I threw up twice, from the anxiety.”
“It’s never been that bad, ever,” she said. “There was a moment when I was sitting on my bathroom floor — this sounds depressing, because it was — but I was sitting on my bathroom floor, trying to think of something I could look forward to. And I could not think of one thing. I thought for a long time, too. I was like, ‘There has to be something.’ But there was nothing.”
However, Billie knew she had to make some changes for the tour for the sake of her mental health.
“I have a job that doesn’t allow me to break down,” she said. “I can’t go cry somewhere, I can’t go scream and be mad. I have to work.”
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Billie Eilish is a 17-year-old superstar who did it her way and doesn't care what you think — even if she still calls out for mom after a bad dream. “It was always these 50-year-old men who’d written these ‘big hit songs!’ and then they’re horrible at it. I’m like, ‘You did this a hundred years ago. Ugh,’” she says. "No one listened to me, because I was 14 and a girl. And we made ‘Ocean Eyes’ without anyone involved — so why are we doing this?” Tap the link in our bio to read our new cover story.
One of the changes she made was going back to see a therapist: “I just was in such a bad place. It was too much on me. I was too much on me. I don’t want advice, because I’m not going to take it anyway. I just wanted to be heard.”
Some other changes Billie made included upgrading her tour bus to include her own bedroom and shower, and chartering an extra bus for her friends to join her on the road.
“It cost a lot of money, and I don’t know if we can even afford it,” Billie said. “But I needed it for my mental health, you know?”
Billie also made sure to make specific plans for when her friends would come and see her on the road. “I had to really secure: When are they coming? What are the dates, exactly?” she said. “ I booked the flights and put them in the calendar, and now I can know that and hold on to it.”
The singer revealed that so far, the changes have helped.
“It’s been cool,” she said. “The shows have been amazing. We brought the scooters, so we’ve been scootering around. We played Ultimate Frisbee and I beat everybody’s ass. So yeah. I’ve been pretty happy. I’m really trying hard to make it as good as possible for me, because I want to love what I do. I don’t want to be miserable, because it’s not a miserable thing. But when there are things that make you miserable . . . it’s miserable!”
And at the end of the day, Billie knows how lucky she is to be living out her dreams.
“I have an amazing job, dude. I really do. The things I get to do in my career have just been unbelievable. Like this shit, bro? Can you believe this is real?”
You can read Billie’s full feature here!
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